Monday, February 29, 2016
The leap year has never been significant to me until this year. Okay, you hear the airport is shutting down on March 1st and on February 28th you are happy that your holiday starts tomorrow -March 1st, until someone tells you, "No, this year is a leap year, tomorrow is February 29th, you have to work tomorrow!" You scratch your head and fret at the Astronomers for allocating the leap year thing to this year, to make you work on Feb 29th. "Ah! it should have been last year or maybe next year!" You go to work and the second flight you are scheduled to work on has got a five and a half hour delay. You don't fret at those astronomers anymore, you just hate them, all those Nicolaus Copernicus kind of people, for making you spend fourteen and a half hours of the leap day at work!
Me: Excuse me madame. There is a situation. Your bag has been withheld by the customs.
Me: Maybe there is a forbidden item in your bag, maybe not. I have to take you down there so you can open the bag and let them check to be sure. It’s quite a long walk from here.
Woman: So who is going to replace the energy that I’m going to lose doing your long walk to the customs?
Me: The food that you’re going to eat on board Kenya Airways!
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Man: Who is that? Ah! Ignoramus, is that you my son?
Child: Yes Daddy, I’m back from school
Man: Oh, so what did you study in school today?
Man: Interesting. So what is the capital of Cameroon?
Child: Paul Biya
Child: Paul Barthèlemy Biya’a Bi Mvondo
Man: Chei, this child has killed me. I dong waste money for school ooooh!
Wife: Why are you screaming? Did you not name him Ignoramus? What do you expect him to answer when all he hears are your Paul Biya praises, all he sees are your Paul Biya photos on the wall, on your T-shirts, on ..TV, on radio, in the papers…
Man: Woman, watch your mouth. That’s no defense for his thoughtless response
Woman: Na you sabi
Man: I’m off to see the Fon of Fons
Woman: Na you sabi
Fon: Ah! You’re here
Man: Yes, great fuo, light of our land
Fon: So what’s happening?
Man: Today? Nothing really. It’s just that er, the people in the big village are all wondering if you’ll still go in for the crowning ceremony in 2018.
Fon: Let them keep wondering.
Man: Will you still be on your throne fuo?
Fon: Since when did you start questioning me?
Man: Sorry fuo, it’s just that all my fellow chief members of the CP..council of elders have all written motions of support for your 2018 coronation fuo. I was counting them at home, let me continue...6063, 6064, 6065, 6066. Yes, 6066 letters fuo. That you should continue.
Fon: I don’t know
Man: Fuo, please, don’t talk like that. You know that if you die, our whole “village” will also die.
Fon: Shut up, I cannot die now. In 2004 when it was rumored that I was dead, did I not appear and told you people that I will die in 20 years? So any talk of my death should be around 2024…and beyond.
Man: Sorry fuo, yes fuo.
Fon: And about 2018, I’m still thinking.
Man: Please fuo, don’t think, just decide now and tell us you will be crowned. If you don’t, this big village will just cease to exist. You know you are our fon of fons, lion man, head of all the armed nchindas, number one sports man, king of the youths; em, king of the android youths, so that also makes you the android fon, new king of youth farmers…
Fon: Yes, I think they should do lots of farming now, with their jobless degrees.
Man: Brilliant, fuo! But what about youths in large cities like Douala where there is no piece of land for them to farm?
Fon: Well, they can create farms on their Android phones and cultivate it there since they are android youths who love pinging phones. How do they call that thing? Mobile Harps?
Fon: Eh eh, they can create farm apps there! Farm Apps.
Man: And what about youths living in villages with no farm to market roads.
Fon: Idiot. Where there is no way, make a way. You can carry the food on your head to town!
Man: Oh, you’re a genius fuo, the Abraham Lincoln of this village, fon of the android, fon of MTN, fon of CNN even ESPN…
Fon: Shut up, shut that talkative thoughtless mouth of yours, Ignoramus.
Man: Yes sah, em, yes fuo, thank you fuo
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Some important news for all my diaspora peeps who may be planning to visit Cameroon in March. Sorry! Only through Nsimalen! From March 1st to March 21st 2016, the Douala International airport will be temporarily shut down, so that repair/reconstruction work can be done on the ramp and the main buildings. The airport’s entrance road is already having its tarmac replaced. (The construction of a new/second runway rumor is a lie). This project will be carried out by SOGEA SATOM and Razel. A good number of flights especially the European ones will transfer operations to the Yaoundé airport in Nsimalen during the shutdown period. Most of the smaller flights will not transfer there. Some of my colleagues will move there to work during that period. Others will be on holiday. Me? I’ll be on holiday oh! And I’m wondering why the government cannot just build a new modern airport altogether.