Friday, November 3, 2017

How to differentiate between a Yaounde based and a Douala based Cameroonian in Douala

Let's say they are both friends and they want to step out at night. While the Douala based one just pops out of the house, the Yaounde based one stays behind, looking for their ID card. 'D, have you seen my ID?' Y asks. D sighs. 'Why do you sigh?' Y asks. 'I didn't take mine either.' 'D, get your ID nah. Oh I've just seen mine. Find yours, lets go.' 'I don't need it,' D says. 'What? Why?' Y wonders. 'In fact, whenever I go out in this Douala, I leave the thing behind.' 'Are you guys not afraid of police check ups?' Y asks. D inhales. 'Have you ever passed around Rond Point or the main junction in Ndokoti around 7.00 PM?' 'No,' Y answers. 'Okay, 1 million cars, 3 million okadas and 5 million people snail around those places between 7-9 PM. So tell me, which police officer wants to do that kind of suicidal work, checking IDs?' D points out. 'Na wah oh. Na so yi dey for here?' 'So leave that ID thing behind and lets go. Only pick it up when you're about to travel out of Douala, if not you're finished!'

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Review of Jay-Z's 4:44 album

His most experimental yet. His most political yet. His most racially charged. The whole album plays gently, like a Hoopty car in a slow cruise in the Marcy projects hood, scared of an ambush by police cars nearby. 4:44 is a mature jazz rap opus unlike his past rap of opulence and crack. Every song sort of has the mood of “Song cry” -weepy background vocals, instruments almost scared of playing, light piano keys, horns that behave, bass that bats gently like Thundercat’s, brass that is scared of being brash. No danceable H to the Izzos. No groovy party bangin Big Pimpins. No fast paced Timbo inspired dirt off your shoulders. Just a lush Jay-Z with a jazzy sound, coupled with some soul, some blues. Every single song is infused with background vocals and solid music samples, ranging from Hannah Williams to Blue Irvy and the Fugees; constant singing, some wailing, some gurgling, some auto-tuning. Then there’s Frank Ocean, Gloria Carter etc. Jay-Z then steers his slow cruise with rhymes which are as subtle as his ride. And it’s tight! He’s a man of mistakes in them, he’s a reflective parent and family man in them, an unfaithful husband in them and an apologetic man to Beyoncé in them. But in some songs, he quickly morphs into a gun wielding smooth criminal driver and takes diss shots at everybody around him, (reminiscent of that old Jay-Z that walloped Mobb Deep), from 50 to Kanye, to OJ Simpson and even the Oscars.
Em, that Oscar moment, when Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway mistakenly announced the white cast movie, “La La Land” as winner of the Best Picture award, when the black cast movie, “Moonlight” actually won that prestigious Academy. Jay coincidentally dubs a song, “Moonlight” to reflect that and it’s my favourite on the album. He tackles racism in America head on, “He’s talking la la land, even when we win we gon lose”. Then he tackles beefs head on, “stop walkin round like you made Thriller uh…please don’t talk about guns, that you aint never gon use…why just so fucking confused? y’all’s talking la la land.” The “Fu-Gee-la” Lauryn Hill vocal sample playing in the background that aligns with his la la land chant is apt and smart. “Bam” is the only song with a strong reggae feel and mid tempo blaring horns because, well, there’s Damian Marley in there, who sings the hook and kills it. After a brilliant joint album with Nas, he is now the go to guy for raspy reggae-rap joint ventures. In “The story of OJ” Jay uses OJ’s trademark, “I’m not black, I’m OJ” statement to address the realities and truths of being black in America. And he’s also a wise entrepreneur in it, “you wanna know what’s more important than throwin money in a strip club? Credit. You ever wondered why Jewish people own all the property in America? That’s how they did it.” There is the title track, 4:44 which together with its emotionally complex music video deserves…well, a big fat essay on its own. Was that really a video? That was some hyper art visuals with snippets of music! And featuring Akwaeke Emezi!

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

James Murua's advice on trying diverse forms of writing

It all started from a Facebook chat I had with the fine gentleman…

Me: By the way, the facilitators of the Nigeria Cameroon Literary Exchange programme I attended in Limbe, Dami Ajayi and Dzekashu Macviban, thought I wrote a wonderful review of a little known Fela Kuti song without vocals which Dami played during one of the workshop sessions and asked us to review. When the song started playing, it had been so weird we started laughing, not to mention reviewing it. But I pulled it off. So I think I'll become a music critic too. I’ve reviewed music before mainly on social media anyway. But I want to be more serious with it now.

James Murua: It doesn't hurt, do different kinds of writing. Even reviews of different forms of art help your writing in ways you can't imagine. One of the things I learnt later in my career was that, writing isn't just one thing. There are many forms. The more forms you explore, the best you become overall at the whole thing. It informs your fiction and it informs everything. My blogs are usually very simple. I went somewhere and saw this. But if you look at them you notice that they have something more. That's from working in the writing industry, from TV to Radio to print to web for many different people with different needs. It all adds up. Unfortunately, no one told me these things when I was starting out. In fact, family and friends thought I was flaky, changing spaces of writing all the time. The having to write for different people forced me to have a unique style that informed how I write even now.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The almost year at the Caine

I’ll always remember 2017 as the year that almost all the records at the Caine prize got broken. Interestingly, no records were actually broken except one –the oldest writer to make the shortlist. Sixty five year old Sudanese, Bushra al-Fadil is the oldest fictioneer to get nominated for the Caine prize. Record! “The story of the little girl whose birds flew away” is a translation from Arabic to English which almost became the first translated story to make the top five. But there has been an Arabic translated story on the shortlist before. Bushra was almost the first Sudanese writer to grace the Caine prize shortlist too. However, that record eternally belongs to Leila Abouleila. She is not only the first Sudanese Caine recognized writer but also their first ever prize winner in 2000.

Lesley Nneka Arimah is slaying. Besides winning the Commonwealth short story prize in 2015, she’s now been in the Caine Prize champions league final for two consecutive seasons like Real Madrid -in 2016 and 2017. Lesley almost set a record with her back to back shortlisting but oops, Henrietta Rose-Innes reigns in that realm. She made the shortlist in 2007 and again in 2008 with a story titled,“Poison” which ultimately won her the Caine. So if Lesley wins it this year, she’ll only be the second writer to accomplish that. I know some readers are already saying, “Lesley will be the first writer to win the Commonwealth short story prize and Caine prize then!” Being recognized on both platforms will be quite an achievement for her, yet it is another oops. Her compatriot, Helon Habila has been there and done that already. He won both prestigious writing awards in 2001.

22-year-old Nigerian, Ifeakandu Arinze almost broke the “youngest writer to ever get shortlisted for the Caine” record. Nevertheless, that bragging right still belongs to Efemia Chela, who did it at the unbelievable age of 21. I know the army of young Nigerian writers who know Arinze are lurking in the shadows, waiting to hack back at their keyboards in the comments section of my post, “Arinze wrote that story at 18, he wrote it at 18! 18!” Okay, if we ask Efemia, maybe she will just quip, “I wrote chicken at 14!” and get a gigantic bite off her piece of unctuous chicken. One remarkable similarity between Ifea and Effie is that, their shortlisted stories both have gay themes, bold and insightful takes on sexuality by very young Africans. On a records note, Arinze is the youngest Nigerian writer to get nominated for the Caine prize, knocking off Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie from her fifteen year record –she was shortlisted for the Caine prize in 2002 at the age of 25. Adichie coincidentally facilitated Arinze at the 2013 Farafina workshop. Little did she know that, Arinze would one day break her, “youngest Nigerian to make the Caine shortlist” record.

The number of Nigerian writers in this world surpasses the population of Nigeria by a large margin. If you shoot a stone in a Lagos market, it will most probably land on a writer’s head. He/she will hurl Shakespearean insults at you and describe your own head in the biggest of grammars, “your obfuscated and wretched cranium void of intelligible grey matter. Why did you shooting my head?” (I nobe Falz). Three of such fine Nigerian writers invaded the Caine prize top five this year like a swarm of locusts, grrr-grrr-waah-waah and almost transformed the thing into the Caine prize for Nigerian writing. Still, as impressive as it may seem, 2017 isn’t the year with the highest number of Nigerians. The real year of Nigeria invasion will always be 2013. That year, four Nigerian writers annexed the Caine prize shortlist like the British government annexed Nigeria–Tope Folarin, Aboubakar Adam Ibrahim, Chinelo Okparanta and Elnathan John. Even the fifth shortlisted writer, Pede Hollist, who is Sierra Leonean was rumoured to have Yoruba ancestry. When I met Prof in Ghana in 2015 I asked him,

“Pede, what is this story I’m hearing about you not being completely Sierra Leonean?”
“My grandparents migrated from Yoruba land in Nigeria to Sierra Leone.”
“Oh, so you’re technically Nigerian abi?”
“Never mind Prof”.

Long story short, a legion of “five” Nigerian bookworms were shortlisted for the Caine prize in 2013, so this year’s three is another almost that falls off the 2013 radar. Nonetheless, it is still extraordinary. Ghanaian Caine prize judge, Nii Ayikwei Parks even joked about them on twitter, “No doubt your Jollof rice can’t compete, bookworms!” Jeez, “Thank God I’m not a Nigerians”.

It seems all the feats that happened on the Caine prize shortlist this year are unintentional “almost attempts” to topple the record feats of the past years. They somehow fall inches short off the mark every time. It reminds me of a line in the Lauryn Hill song, “Lost ones” which goes, “everything you did has already been done”. Well, almost done, in a year which I call , “the almost year at the Caine”.

Bio: Nkiacha Atemnkeng is a Lagos boy who lives on the other side of the border.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Baggage reconciliation wahala

The old man walks towards my colleague E and says, “Err, I just disembarked from the flight and my bag didn’t come out of the conveyor belt. This one here looks like my bag but it isn’t”. E asks for his luggage tag and he produces it. E checks and says, “The name and tag numbers on both the luggage tag and your bag match. Pa, it is your bag”. “No, it is not”. E proposes that, they both go to the airline office to check the contents of the bag. The old man removes stuff, “Hey, they are my things oh but this is not my bag.” “How come?” E wonders. “I checked in a pink bag but this is a red bag though my things are in it. I’m telling you, it is not mine, your airline changed my bag!”

Monday, April 3, 2017

Weaponized Laptops

The US has imposed an electronics ban on nine carriers; Qatar Airways, Emirates Airways, Turkish Airlines, EgyptAir, Etihad Airlines, Kuwait Airways, Royal Air Maroc, Royal Jordanian Airlines and Saudi Airlines from ten different airports around the world. The ban affects direct flights from eight countries in North Africa and the Middle East to the US. The "electronics ban" means passengers have to check in devices which are bigger than smartphones like tablets, cameras and of course laptops!

The White House press secretary, Sean Spicer declared during his daily briefing two weeks ago that, terrorists are constantly trying to target commercial aviation especially US bound flights. UK has announced it will implement a similar electronics ban on certain flights. US intelligence agencies have evidence that some terrorist groups have successfully found ways to implant sophisticated explosive devices into laptops which can evade airport security. One such laptop bomb blew a hole in the body of a Somali Daallo Airlines passenger plane before it reached cruising speed in February but did not down the aircraft. The suspected bomber was blown out of the plane and two people aboard were injured. The plane successfully returned to the airport in Mogadishu.

The electronics ban which started on April 1st will hit Dubai hardest because it has the world's busiest airport. The big three Gulf carriers, Emirates, Etihad and Qatar have particularly tough times ahead. Emirates is scrambling to figure out the rules and ease the headache on travellers by letting them keep their electronic devices for the first leg of their US journey. Qatar Airways is going around the ban in its own way by offering loaner laptops for free to business class passengers at the boarding gate. As for economy class passengers, who won't receive loaner laptops, they might just start experiencing a resurgence of "reading a book on board a plane," again, if the in-flight entertainment is not great or absent, especially during long haul flights.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Definitions of some of the Italicized Non English words and phrases in Imbolo Mbue’s debut novel, “Behold the dreamers”

Ashia/Ashia ya –Consolation meaning accept my sympathy. It could also mean “accept my condolences” in case of death of a loved one.

Bébé –Baby from French. It is used to fondly address a lover like Neni does to Jonga.

Benskins –Commercial motor bikes.

Bo –Fun word for friend or brother.

Bobi –Breast

Bolo –Work or Job

Bushboy –Village peasant boy

Boucarou –A business centre at Down beach, Limbe where fresh grilled fish, crabs, lobsters and drinks are sold.

Caraboat –A wooden house which is usually old and dilapidated.

Chai –An exclamation used to express huge surprise

Chakara –Junk or broken down as used in the novel

Chang shoes –Locally produced rubber shoes which are worn mostly during the wet seasons in Cameroon.

Chin chin –A crunchy deep fried snack consisting of a mixture of flour, margarine, sugar, milk and water. It is mixed by hand until a smooth dough is achieved and then put into cooking oil.

Contry mimbo –Any local drink, normally sold in villages.

Derrière –Behind from French. It means buttocks in the context of the novel.

Egusi stew –Melon seed stew, cooked with the desiccated ground seeds of melons.

Ekwang–A popular dish from Cameroon’s South West Region comprising thumb sized ground cocoyams wrapped in cocoyam leaves, smoked fish, palm oil, other spices and water.

Gongon leaf –Megaphrynium macrostachyum. A leaf used to wrap various foods in many African countries. These leaves are believed to impart a special taste to the food which is wrapped in them.

Helele –A word used to express something which is wonderful or a little shocking.

Jaburu–A type of smoked fish which is sold in local markets and used for cooking.

Kaba –A puffy gown usually made from local fabric worn by women, especially during pregnancy

Kai –An exclamation showing excitement or surprise

Kolo –One thousand Francs CFA

Kwacha –Locally brewed liquor

Kwacoco and banga soup –A traditional dish of the Bakweri ethnic group, consisting of ground cocoyams which are wrapped and steamed in banana leaves with palm nut soup.

Makandi –Buttocks

Makossa–A noted Cameroonian popular urban musical style which uses strong electric bass rhythms and prominent brass. It had a wave of mainstream success across Africa in the seventies. It was popularized globally by Manu Dibango with his song, “Soul Makossa”. The chant from the song, mamako, mamasa, maka makossa was later used by Michael Jackson in the song “Wanna be startin’ somethin’”.

Mamami eh! –Literally, My mother! An exclamation used to express surprise.

Manyaka ma lambo –A phrase in the Duala language meaning “wonderful thing”.

Masepo –A herb with the common name wild Basil or mosquito plant. It is used as a food spice or sometimes crushed into a type of juice and given to sick people to drink.

Mbamba –Grandfather or grandmother. The word mbamba is gender neutral.

Mbutuku –A worthless person.

Mukuta school bag –Back pack fabricated from a local brown cotton fibre.

Molongo –A whip cut from the Cane plant which is used for corporal punishment.

Ndolé –Cameroon’s national dish. An aromatic vegetable soup consisting of stewed nuts, bitter leaves indigenous to West/Central Africa and fish/beef  or shrimp. It is traditionally eaten with plantain or Bobolo/Miondo.

Ngahs –Literally girls. It also refers to girlfriends or wives in different instances in the novel.

Okrika –Used goods from abroad which are resold at local Cameroonian markets.

Papa God –Almighty father

Papier –Literally “paper” from French. It refers to immigration papers in the context of the novel.

Pays –Literally “country” from French. It means Cameroon when used by Cameroonians in the diaspora when they are referring to their home country. Imbolo uses it in the latter context in the novel.

Paysan –A Cameroonian. Used especially by Cameroonians in the diaspora to refer to people in Cameroon.

Porku-porku –Cartoon

Portorportor coco –Porridge cocoyam

Poulet –Chicken from French

Puff Puff –Deep fried golf sized dough balls

Sisa–To intimidate or bully

Soya –Grilled beef

Strong Kanda –A type of smoked fish with a tough skin.

Telleh –Television set

Ten nkolo –Ten thousand Francs CFA

Wolowose –A prostitute or promiscuous girl.

*Commot for my front before I cam jambox ya mouth; ya mami ya, ya mami pima! –Get out of my sight before I get there and get your mouth punched, your mother’s cunt!

NB: There are a few other non English words in “Behold the dreamers” like “Wahala”, “Attiéké” and “Moimoi” which I intentionally left out because they are well explained on many sites and even food blogs on the internet. I focused generally on the non English words which a non Cameroonian “Behold the dreamers” reader won’t find easily on Google. If there is any non English word in the novel which you didn’t find in this list and on Google then hit me up. I’ll edit,