Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Yes, he won


Part Three: American Politics in Humour (Inspired by the cartoon Tom and Jerry)
Title: Yes, he won, the first black president in a white house.

Jerry: Ouch!!!!! Tom, you just kicked me into the air and onto the wall!
Tom: Hahahaha, yes, I did.
Jerry: That’s strange, you had a rare chance to catch me, but you instead kicked me off.
Tom: That’s because I’m happy, Lilliput, very happy
Jerry: Why?
Tom: Don’t pretend you didn’t hear, Obama won the second term, didn’t I say so? I told you he will win.
Jerry: Obama rigged the election.
Tom: Hahaha, do you think the US is an African country? This is the place of democracy, he won, admit it, you never run short of something to say.
Jerry: Okay, right, but Romney won something else.
Tom: What is that?
Jerry: He won the debate season.
Tom: Shut up, Obama won the last two debates in grand style, with knock out punches like Muhammed Ali.
Jerry: And by winning the first debate Romney won the debate season.
Tom: Nonsense, if you cannot do simple addition, the debate score read 2 -1 in favour of Obama. What do you mean by Romney won the debate season?
Jerry: Before the debates, Obama was ahead in the polls by about five points and Romney wasn’t even a formidable rival but the Governor governed the first debate by coming up with probably the best debate performance in US history that rattled Obama and took him by surprise. Romney won it by 62% and Obama developed political fever. Obama looked detached, and unaware of the American situation. Romney caught up with the president in the polls after that feat and they were neck on neck.
Tom: I must admit, it was a great Romney performance. But Obama didn’t lose.
Jerry: Haha, that’s funny, then who lost, Romney?
Tom: Look, Romney won. The debate moderator lost. The president was absent. The questions bored him, he probably wanted to go back quickly to the white house and meet his pretty wife Michelle and the kids and the Oval Office and the presidential work. For the past four years, he has not been doing any debates or arguments with anybody, he has been presidential. He has not been used to somebody shouting stuff in his face. For the record, the past four presidents who have won second terms have all lost the first debate.
Jerry: Did you see the way Romney was lecturing him during the debate? Obama’s head was down, constantly writing notes from the tutorials delivered by Lecturer Romney who was even professorial, using his experience of managing his 250 million dollar wealth to teach Obama how to handle his ailing economy and Obama was keenly listening, learning, writing, noting and soon he will be implementing. Did you read the tweets from Americans on twitter? “Mr. President put your head up.”
Tom: You don’t even know what the genius was doing. He was scheming, computing, calculating Lilliput Romney like Lilliput Jerry. He let him talk so as to figure out his weaknesses and finish him off in the next debate.
Jerry: But Romney became the boss after that, he caught up with him in the polls, went ahead in the popular vote, attached himself to Americans, won many hearts and became a formidable contestant that’s why I said he won the debate season.
Tom: Back off Jerry, debate 2, the president upped his game and came back harder at Romney after realizing the man’s weaknesses. He won it in grand style. Say something, say something.
Jerry: But Romney still had the appeal from the first one, people still took him seriously after the loss. That’s why it was just a slight victory for Obama. But it was  really aggressive, Obama kept arguing and attacking Romney. Since the debate had a town hall format, they were walking around facing each other and interrupting each other and scowling at each other such that, you felt they would start trading punches and kicks like Jet Li against each other and even fire a bullet in order to grab the presidential ballot.
Tom: But Obama won right? If he hadn’t, then his chapter would have been closed after the second debate, no second term, but God forbid, he won. And when Romney realized he had lost, he started politicking, didn’t present any credible agenda. He started changing positions like a fowl that is about to lay eggs. At one time he even imitated the 2008 campaign of the president and started talking about change and how he would change America, funny. He lost originality like a fake Chinese product.
Jerry: But Romney still had the appeal going into the third debate!
Tom: Don’t even mention that one Lilliput, the president finished him off big time before the elections came up. He blew Romney off the ground.
Jerry: You’ve forgotten something that blew before the election.
Tom: What is that?
Jerry: Hurricane Sandy of course. It had other plans.
Tom: Ah, that one. The president handled it like a pro. But I must admit that if he had mishandled it, he may have lost that election. Why do you mention it?
Jerry: About 90 people died in that storm, the president let them die, he killed them.
Tom: No way, let me quote him, “If they tell you to evacuate, do it.” The president was pretty much involved and instructed the people to follow instructions from their state weather forecasters. Those who didn’t follow simple instructions, paid the price for stubbornness. Unlike your George Bush who handled hurricane Katrina in fiasco style. He was very uninvolved, and even flew in his jet over New Orleans, saw people clinging to roof tops, trees and drowning but did not nothing because they were blacks, racist.
Jerry: That’s a lie, Katrina was a hurricane, this one was just a super storm, that’s why many more people died in 2004.
Tom: Racist Bush, racist.
Jerry: He’s not! But Tall Tom, sometimes I wonder why these hurricanes have names of people and different people for that matter and yes, women. Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Sandy, maybe the next one will be Hurricane Michelle Obama or superstorm Hilary Clinton. Why don’t they use masculine names? They only use Sandys. What about Hurricane Randy, Hurricane Andy, Hurricane Gandhi, Hurricane Bandit, that one would steal from people. Hurricane Bin Laden? That one! Hmmmm, that one will sweep all Americans away, blow them into a cave in Pakistan, close the cave and bomb it. Nice hurricane, that one.
Tom: Idiot, only a dull man will reason along those lines. I know what you are doing, now that we’ve reached the point of the elections, you want to divert my attention off it. Talk about November 6th Lilliput. Yes, he won, he beat Romney, didn’t I tell you? Jay-Z’s 2003 song “I got 99 probems but a bitch aint one.” Jay-Z’s 2012 rehook “I got 99 problems but a Mitt aint one.” Romney wasn’t a problem. For you and all the Obama hating media who said all this mumbo jumbo, “neck on neck, very tight race, closest race in modern US history, too close to call.” It was knee on neck, easy victory, open race, not even as close as 2000 or 2004, too easy to call, he won after 5 hours of vote counting. He won 8 out of 9 battle ground states. Florida was confused but decided to follow the president’s path after 4 days of vote counting. Didn’t you know he scores political goals like Lionel Messi? And he left Romney messy? The son of the Kenyan is too tough. You people underestimated him. Don’t you remember he won landslide in 2008? He did it again, the son of the Kenyan, against another white guy.
Jerry: Buck Ofama…Go Ba’ra’ack to Hawai.
Tom: Jealous of him? Do you know who first announced the win to the world? Uh Lilliput?
Jerry: Fox news, em, CNN?
Tom: Nope
Jerry: ESPN?
Tom: That’s an American sports channel, idiot.
Jerry: But you just mentioned Obama scoring political goals like Messi and leaving Romney messy, that’s a sports metaphor about American politics which could have been disseminated by ESPN.
Tom: It was just a figure of speech, answer me, do you know who first announced the news to the world?
Jerry: EWTN?
Tom: Vatican Catholic church channel.
Jerry: But every time your president wins anything you start by thanking God! Okay, if it’s not CNN, not ESPN, not EWTN. It’s MTN.
Tom: You fool, you are just rhyming.
Jerry: BBC?
Tom: Damn wrong again, Lilliput
Jerry: Bin Laden?
Tom: Dead, your dullness is regenerating again.
Jerry: His grandmother in Kogelo, Kenya whom he has abandoned?
Tom: Shut up the hell up, scallywag. It was the president himself in a tweet which went, “Four more years, thank you America.” You see, that’s confidence, he announced it to his 15 million Twitter followers just about two hours after vote counting, when no media outlet had done so yet –confidence. He knew he was going to win dude, I told you, I told you.
Jerry: Are tweets not text messages provided by the services of mobile telephone companies like MTN??? Okay, between you and I who emerged the dullest on the announcement thing, who’s the maddest?
Tom: (scratches head) Damn, this guy beat me. No, It’s luck, you got the answer by joking. I give you the benefit of doubt.
Tom: Just like Obama won by luck, sheer dumb luck!
Tom: Ah, okay, he didn’t rig again uh, now it’s luck? Do you think it was the American lottery? It was hard work, Lilliput, toil, he was jetting to four states each day and campaigning hard in the last days of the election. Oh, and then he gave a rousing but humble speech only reminiscent of the key note speech he delivered in the 2004 Dem convention. He gave us the Barack we know, the Barack we remember, that soaring rhetoric which reached the skies and called Americans to unite and work together. Yes, yes, he won.
Jerry: When Republicans and some Independents were pissed off that their candidate lost, your Obama was busy showing off oratory skills and pissing off people the more. What will he do in his second term apart from delivering speeches? He’s just a speech maker, that’s all, let him fix the US economy.
Tom: He will fix it, in fact he is doing it already. The US economy is far better at this point than the past four years when he took it from Bush who shattered it. You will see, he stuck to his 2008 promises, he will still stick to his 2012 promises. He will leave power with approval ratings and popularity above that of Clinton and even J.F.K, Yes. Ouch! This rogue has beaten my tail. (Tom jumps and starts chasing Jerry around, then stops.) You may run, you may run, but, yes he won.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Cameroon's president clocks thirty years in power

President Paul Biya: Cameroon’s 'lion man'


It is 30 years since Paul Biya, dubbed Cameroon's "lion man", came to power - making him one of Africa's longest-serving leaders.
He may have adopted his nickname late in his political career - after the country's football team, the Indomitable Lions, reached the quarter-final of the 1990 World Cup - but the 79 year old has employed the tactics of lion from the start.
Born in a village deep in the equatorial forest of southern Cameroon, the Catholic missionaries who educated him in a nearby seminary hoped he would become a priest.
But Mr Biya chose instead to study law and political science at the University of Paris, returning to work in the civil service.
The short, courteous technocrat rose through the ranks, taking up senior positions and winning the confidence of Ahmadou Ahidjo who had been head of state since independence in 1960.
He was a loyal prime minister for seven years, until 1982 - when in a surprise move Mr Ahidjo resigned from office and named Mr Biya president.
Mr Ahidjo held on to the chairmanship of the ruling party, thinking it was a more powerful position than that of president.
But this was when Mr Biya pounced - purging Ahidjo loyalists and eventually forcing the independence leader into exile.
He then proved himself a survivor - foiling two attempted coups, one in 1983 and another a year later.
Mr Ahidjo was fingered as the culprit and a military tribunal sentenced him to death in absentia.
He later died in Senegal, and his former protege would not allow his body to be brought back to Cameroon for burial.

Paul Biya: Serial election victor
  • 1992, wins with 40% of the vote
  • 1997, wins with 93% of the vote - boycotted by opposition
  • 2004, wins with 75% of the vote
  • 2011, wins with 78% of the vote
Royal air
Mr Biya has displayed the same ruthlessness over the years with allies who have shown presidential ambition.
One of his doctors is in jail for corruption, a former interior minister has just started a 25-year sentence on similar charges; a former prime minister is currently on trial and two others have gone into exile.
However, he maintains a somewhat royal air, distancing himself from the cabinet - some ministers are appointed and sacked years later without ever meeting the president.
On the international front, he has also shown stamina - forcing Cameroon's more powerful neighbour Nigeria to hand over the prized Bakassi Peninsula.
The two countries have clashed several times over the oil-rich territory and Mr Biya decided to go to the International Court of Justice to decide the case.
 Mr Biya has said he wants to be remembered for bringing democracy to Cameroon.
He finally gave in to pressure to end the one-party system and in 1992 held and won the country's first multiparty elections with only 40% of the vote - amid allegations of fraud. His main rival John Fru Ndi was widely believed to have won - but a Supreme Court judge said his hands "were tied" and declared Mr Biya victorious.
The president has since gone on to consolidate his hold on power, winning three subsequent presidential polls and never gaining less than 75% of the vote.
His critics say the president and his allies have ensured that Cameroonians have little real choice, with his party always assured of victory well in advance of every election.
And corruption is an issue that has dogged Mr Biya during his time in office.
He has now set up an anti-corruption commission, but it is said to permeate all levels of society and has hampered the country's development, with Cameroon winning the title as the most corrupt country in the world twice in the 1990s
Perhaps one of the keys to his political longevity is his second wife Chantal, 38 years his junior, who he married in 1994.
Famed for her mane of orange hair, her outgoing nature and charity work have ensured her much media coverage.
She is often referred to in the press as Cameroon's "Queen of Hearts", more than making up for the husband's aloof nature.
The first couple, who have three children together, even had a lion and lioness named after them at the Mvog Beti zoo in the capital, Yaounde.
They have also become known for their lavish lifestyle in Cameroon - one of Africa's main importers of French champagne - and abroad.
'Absentee landlord'
Their holiday in southern France three years ago was the subject of articles in the Cameroonian and French press which alleged Mr Biya was spending $40,000 a day on 43 hotel rooms. Officials at the time defended the president's right to spend the money allotted to him the way he wished.
Because of his lengthy absences - sometimes two or three months at a time - he is known by his critics as the "absentee landlord".
When the Paul Biya lion died at Mvog Beti zoo in 2007, many said it was bad omen for the president.
Not long afterwards there were rumours that he had died in a Swiss clinic.
When he returned home after what had been a 43-day absence, he boasted on state television that those wishing him dead must wait for another 20 years.
And since then, journalists have learnt not to speculate or joke about his health.
The late veteran reporter Pius Njawe spent a year in prison for suggesting the president was suffering from a heart problem when he appeared to faint while watching a football match 14 years ago.
Having changed the constitution in 2008 to remove presidential term limits, Mr Biya seems quite content to remain at the helm for some time to come.
The army is well paid and loyal. It crushed the 2008 food riots, one of the biggest threats the president has ever faced.
Even a march planned by the main opposition Social Democratic Front to protest at Mr Biya's three decades in power was dispersed by riot police before it could begin - to ensure nothing dampens the celebrations.

Africa's longest-serving leaders
  • 33 years: Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo - Equatorial Guinea, took power in a coup in August 1979
  • 33 years: Jose Eduardo dos Santos - Angola, took over after death of the country's first president in September 1979
  • 32 years: Robert Mugabe - Zimbabwe, won the country's independence elections in April 1980
  • 30 years: Paul Biya - Cameroon, took over after resignation of the country's first president in November 1982
  • 26 years: Yoweri Museveni - Uganda, became president after his rebel group took power in January 1986