Thursday, February 13, 2014

FACT: Page “419” of “Things Fall Apart”

Take down the body,” the commissioner ordered his chief messenger “and bring it and all these people to the court. “Yes, sah,” the messenger said saluting. The commissioner went away taking three or four soldiers with him. In the many years…as the corpse was lowered, Obierika heard wriggling movement, which made him turn and look at Okonkwo’s body. The warrior’s chest was rising and falling. Okika rushed and poured cold water on him. He twitched like a fish in the sand and woke up. “Uh!” the amazed crowd exclaimed. “Okonkwo! Alive! Is this you?” Immediately Okonkwo replied, “Yes” some women took to the bush, screaming “Ewo! Ghost! Run for your life.” “Fear-fear agadi nwayis! I didn’t die” Okonkwo muttered. “How?” they all asked in unison. “I resurrected, like the son of the white man’s god! The one they say is equal to the father. A son, equal to his father! Nwoye equal to me! Tufia. These Oyingbo people have all gone mad.” “But, I, I, I, read from a book that you died!” Egonwanne pointed out. “Mba! You are the one I was even planning to send to the land of the dead before I hanged but I’ll let you live for more one more day. When did you learn how to read the whiteman’s book, eh Egonwanne!” “Yesterday oh. One small Igbo boy called Chinua Achebe wrote about you in a book titled “Things Fall Apart”. He said you hanged yourself and died and strangers buried you like a dog. “Tufia. May Amadiora’s thunder strike y’im and yi Baba. Yi dey craze? Where yi dey self, that Chinualomugo? I go shoot him dead with my AK-47. Say I dong die, nonsense.” “He ran away to America just now-now, when he heard you were alive.” Okika said. Okonkwo sighed. “Na why them no ever give yi that their Nobel because da y’im book no noble. How yi fit say I dong die? See me see trouble oh!” “But Oko nno, Kedu? How did you do it? How come you never died?” Okonkwo smiled and replied, “Acho afu adi ako n’akpa dibia, (the medicine man’s bag has all kinds of things.)” “Uh! So a dibia brought you back to life abi?” Obierika asked. He nodded. “Oko! You bad oh. But I always had this belief that you were not dead.” Okika said. “Then I bi Tupac nah, I too much.” The warrior laughed hoarsely exposing a set of kola stained browned teeth, then stopped and ordered, his countenance going all tense, “Egonwanne, oya, get your yeye riffle and shoot me.” “No, hey, you will die nah!” Egonwanne protested. “Egon, I say shoot me.” Okonkwo held out his arms and contracted his muscles. He seemed to have been carved from the core of a granite mountain. POOOH, the bullet pierced the air like an arrow straight into his chest. Obierika fell and lamented in tears, “Oko will die now for real oh! Chei!” The warrior stood stone, with his eyes red as if nothing had happened. When the small crowd expected him to slowly fall backwards like a cut tree, the muscles around his breasts instead projected forward thrice and he mumbled, “ODESHI”. The crowd “Oooohed” and “Aaaaared”. POOOH, the second shot rang producing smoke. As the smoke whiffs cleared, they saw his chest muscles pumping forward again and he said for the second time, “Odeshi” “Oooooh, Aaaaaah”. POOOH “Odeshi. Hey, Ego that’s enough, I know you want to kill me, idiot. We have to fight this yeye oyingbo onye-ocha people now. Do you now believe in great Okonkwo, uh?” “YES” “Good. E gbuo dike n’ogu uno, e luo na ogu ogu (if you kill a warrior in a local fight, you’ll rememeber him when fighting enemies.) I killed Amalinze the cat, now we have to go and kill this Commisioner the dog and send away his people the chickens. Obierika wake up and stop wailing like a woman. Take your I-pad and send a tweet to everybody in Umoufia that we are going to war. Okika, I left my laptop in Mbaino. Send an email to my weak people there that you are coming to take my fighter jet, so I can fly to London and bomb Queen Elisabeth the hen. Umuofia kwenu” “Yaaaaaaaaah.”
NB: Ei, I’ve never stepped foot out of Cameroon. LOL, it’s all satire folks.