Solange Knowles attacks Jay-Z

My humorous imagination about what went down in that elevator.
Solange: This elevator ain’t goin nowhere
Jay-Z: Like ur career?
Solange: Fuck u Sean Carter, who do you think u are? Because u call yourself God MC you think you run the music world? Eminem is sicker than you. 
Jay-Z: And Beyonce is a lot cooler than u but she married me. Booooooo!
Solange advances, slaps, insults, kicks, kicks, kicks, pulled back by body guard, breaks free, kicks n screams “who run the world? Girls” kicks “who run the world? Girls” kicks.
Beyonce: (thinkin) Oh my God! Is this my sister? Solange Knowles!!! Nah, this ain’t. it’s an alter ego called Solange Know-less. Oh my God she’s kicking kicking n “Jumping Jumping”
Guard: “Halo” Queen Bey “Check on it” before I separate the attack. You got her back or his back?
Beyonce: Don’t “Say my name”
Guard: Uh?
Beyonce: I said don’t “Say my name”(Bey thinkin) If I jump in on Jay’s back its gon be like I don’t love ma sister, and all da “Single ladies” n even Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie gon think I’m not a feminist anymore. If I jump in on Solange’s back, they gon think I don’t love ma husband n I’m not “Drunk in love”.U know wat? I ain’t got nobody’s back, I’mma stay mute cos I’m an “Independent Woman”.
Jay-Z: (avoiding kicks n pleadin) Yoh, Solange stop, this is ‘Hard knock life” you’re raining on me. I was just “Frontin”, no Pharell, we’re “Happyyyyyyyy” right? I’ll do “Anythin” for u, H to the Izzo, S to the Soso, Solange stop, tu fait “Encore” ca? we’ll go 2 da 40/40 sports bar and do some “Big Pimpin” aight? Stop.
Guard pulls away Solange n out of the elevator
Jay-Z: I used to have 99 problems but a b… ain’t one. Now I got 99 problems and Solange ain’t one. I’ma just go ahead and “Change Clothes” Beyonce nods.
Guard: “Hey Papi” that girl can kick man! Like Jean Claude Vandamme, like Jet Li or somethin.
Jay-Z: She should be in dem movies or dem fight cartoons “Naruto” and “Dragon Ball” the female Sango Koo or somethin
Guard: And it’s the only hit she’s had in years! And I’m just thinkin, if it was Pac, he would have given her some “Thug life” and her face would have had some “Changes” if it was DMX, then we’d hear the revenge kicks along with angry big voice chants ‘what these bitches want from a nigga” if it was Bobby Brown or Chris Brown, hmmmmm, then a guy like Brizzy would have made sure her face had some of that "I can transform ya” But it’s you, Jay, cultured nigga, not laying hands on a woman even when attacked.
Jay-Z: smiles. “Dirt off ma shoulder…”
Beyonce: He’s a “Survivor”
Jay-Z: Thanks Bey. Hey big dude, get me 2 “New York” got a concert to catch with Alicia Keys in New Yooooooooork.......

Review of the Writivism Anthology Picture Frames and Other Stories by Nkiacha Atemnkeng

The inaugural Writivism anthology was some activism by a panel consisting of Hilda Twongyeirwe, Beatrice Lamwaka, Harriet Anena, Ernest Bazanye, Novuyo Rosa Tshuma and Ceris Dien. It sparked some literary spasm across Uganda’s young writing prism from 15-25 years of ageism under the mentorship of some fine African writers on a ship. They were expected to write on the themes Identity, Diversity and Equality but they somehow managed to get homosexuality and Lesbianism Writivism in a majority. Without any euphemism, it means a man fucking a man and a woman fucking a woman activism. Below is some literary reviewism and criticism intended for some colloquium with the hope that it will be followed like plant tropism. The winning short fiction for 2013’s Writivism is “Picture Frames” by Anthea Paelo together with four other flash fiction pieces on the Shortlistism coupled with eight other prose pieces on the Longlistism.

Picture Frames by Anthea Paelo: The writer uses the flashback technique a lot in this brilliant winning flash fiction which gives it suspense. It’s about a woman called Rose who is having reveries of her husband and deceased son who was gay. The gay issue creates conflict between Rose and her husband Daudi, an aloof, insatiable man who wants to erase every memory of his son because he was a homosexual. She hopes he would change but he doesn’t and the realization by Rose that he will never change is the central epiphany of this story.

The Sidewalk by Nassanga Rashidah: A story about orphaned disheveled kids on the streets begging for money. Kima an albino child evokes sympathy from the alms givers and it stirs jealousy in another begger, Mamadou who plans to get rid of her. Appollo’s ensnaring act on Kima springs a pleasant surprise at the end. There is stigmatization, begging, jealousy and blackmail up in this one.

Together by Kathryn Kazibwe: A flash fiction piece about family neglect, about two sisters who were once close but had suddenly grown estranged and arguing with each other. In a slow deliberate release of the plot elements, the writer hatches the story’s egg which unveils their past differences. When the protagonist reveals that her actions were largely caused by the fact that her baby died, her sister’s sympathy and love brings them back “together”.

The Shadow by Emmeline Bisiikwa: It is about a man in an affair with another woman to the point that his wife becomes a shadow. There’s parental pressure from the man’s mother for him to get a son bringing to mind many African mothers. And as Jessica the wife leaves with her daughters for good, she commits a desperate act that gives the story an unexpected turn. It’s my favourite among the five stories.

Emotional Rollercoaster by Paul Kisakye: David who is gay consoles his best friend, a girl called Sanyu who has been cheated on so she’s hurt and in tears. Sanyu then seduces David and he also cheats on his gay partner Joel by sleeping with Sanyu. I call it the double infidelity story. But where these two really best friends? Or had an unsung love for each other? Sanyu just got him quickly baam like manna in the desert. What I also like about the piece is that, it firmly places itself in modern day digital Uganda, facebooking and texting.

There were eight longlisted stories and I didn’t quite get the first one, “Butterflies come at dawn” by Solomon Manzi so I’ll keep mute about it. In “The New Politician”, Angella Namwase beautifully delves into a tale of politicking, a political process and election results for a post of women affairs. “Choices in danger” by Emmanuel Ssebaggala introduces to us a bright student who was born different -to think like girls. In Europe, he falls in love with a boy and the relationship triggers his wife’s death. There’s letter writing in this one. Muhwezi Simpson penned “Grandpa’s story” which is inspired by the oral storytelling tradition by the fireside of many societies in Africa. The poignant story is narrated by Grandpa and it is about forced marriages. “A chance encounter with Jack Bormont” by Robert Ssempande pricked me nicely. It’s partly written in the American Ebonics dialect and the protagonist is a famous American who encourages a Ugandan wanna-be Americanah to be patriotic about his country. “Stolen Innocence” by Faith Nadweny is about a girl who is being maltreated by a wicked stepmother and attacked by a man who claims to have been sent by the wicked woman. “True to nothing” by Mildred Apenyo is about Atim getting out on the road, frustrated by motorbikes and traffic and goes after love making pleasure. Nora Kirabo’s “Of love and Sisphean tasks” is an infidelity story where the main character’s lover has an affair with another woman. She gets emotionally distraught and considers a break up and concludes she’s going to do it. And that also concludes the 2013 Writivism anthology.

On a criticism note, I think a brief biography of the various writers would have been included. We don’t know anything them. The editing was good, almost all the words are in place. But the book’s compilation and printing feels rushed. The page structuring was not well done. Some pages appear which have been printed twice and others are blank except for a few words. Anyway, judging that it was a first, I have no doubt the anthology will be done better this year from last year’s experience. The Ugandan writers are young and their works show potential and I was impressed. However, they can and should raise the bar with better prose from flash fiction to short stories and why not novels? Writivism 2013 was Ugandan breakfast. But I definitely know Writivism 2014 is going to be amazing lunch, different palatable meals from all over Africa on our lunch menu for the written word hungry. Yes, for after Writivism comes Readivism. Good Reading y’all! And good job Centre for African Cultural Excellence for this great initiative including the Co-founder, the man with “new names” (all about letter e), Bwa Bwesigye Mwesigire de l’Université de Makerere et de Cace parce que vous avez travaillé.

Short Bio: Nkiacha Atemnkeng is a Cameroonian writer and blogger. He was shortlisted for the 2013 Mardibooks short story competition and was a finalist for the month of October 2013 at the Africa Book Club. He was invited to the 2014 Caine Prize Writers Workshop in Zimbabwe but couldn’t attend because the plane he boarded went missing in the Sahara desert.

Monument de la Liberté a Rond Point Deido Doula

There is a lot of madness in this blog post so be warned. At this particular moment I just missed out on attending the most prestigious creative writing workshop in Africa despite being invited, the Caine Prize Writers Workshop in Zimbabwe. I even have a Zimbabwean Visa but the workshop is already over. So the big question is WHY? It’s a long story. Like JRR Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings.” But the short of the long story is that, there’s no Zimbabwean embassy in Yaounde, so I mailed my passport to London so that a Zimbabwean Visa could be obtained for me there and a little kid tore off a blank page from the passport. So even though the visa came out and found itself sticking to my passport like a slug, at the Douala airport, I was denied access to board my Ethiopian Airlines flight to Mutare by immigration because my passport is invalid (because of that torn page.) Very annoying. For days, I could not eat, could not sleep and was in so much pain that I’m now suffering from small mental dysfunction. Uh huh, yi mean say I di craze small. Say I dong kolo mental small. Like this stature below. Look am, look am,

Le Monument de la Liberte

Ei, na which kind thing this? It’s called “Le Monument de la Liberté”, the monument of Liberty. That is, Cameroon’s own version of the stature of Liberty. It towers twelve meters high, has a diameter of five meters and weighs twelve tons. It is located in the roundabout Deido Douala and commissioned and produced by Doual’art in 1996. Seriously, if you’ve been to Douala and haven’t seen the damn thing, then go and medically check your eye sight. Unlike the one in America which was sculpted out of copper by the French, (uh huh I just said that. You, you in America who is saying “Nkiacha na lie” go and do some research, it was a gift by the French to the Americans crafted by French sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi.) Unlike the one in America, our own was erupted out of old tyres, old car parts, old metal scraps, old umbrellas, old iron rods, old zinc roofing sheets, old tin containers (ngon-ngong), old, old, old recycled things! And assembled in the middle of the economic capital!!! Yeh-gaay, Hahaha, Journal du Bien, “Voici pour vous du bien…Bieeeen!!!”

Okay, Le monument de la liberté a ete fabriqué par un Bamileké qui a travaillé sur ça, dans un endroit bloqué et seulemant dans la nuit (like say na witch, Lol). His name is Joseph-Francis Sumégné (even if wunna ask governor for Douala, man way yi make am yi no go fit tell you, so clap for me first. You nodi clap? I say clap. Good. Sumegne is a dreadlocked sculptor of Bamileke extraction who has lived in Douala for many years. I guess the man smoked some kai kai before having the unique inspiration for such a strange piece of art. Hey i'm just guessing. Ladies and gents I present to you Monsieur Joseph Francis Sumegne. (the other one na colleague no bother)

He looks like Bob Marley right? (No cayé, no stature). When asked why he decided to fashion such strange work of art from recycled materials, Joseph Francis said, his idea is to show the state of Douala in the early and mid nineties. During that era, Douala was a notoriously dirty town. But the city is much cleaner now oh. HYSACAM di wipe all dust put’am for motor poom poooom. Ever since it was erected, it has become a tourist attraction. Its queer nature has been attracting millions of white tourists who fly in to marvel at its beauty. Its popularity is now so huge it has even surpassed that of the real stature of liberty in America and the Eiffel Tower in France. Such that, the last time I passed near the White House, I eavesdropped on a conversation in which Barack Obama was ordering General David Pitraeus to launch a very accurate US drone which will bomb the damn thing. But he also warned Pitraeus that there’s so much corruption in Cameroon, before he’ll complete his assignment, Cameroonian government officials will bribe the unmanned drone in mid air such that, it may turn back and rebomb them in America instead. That’s why he’s including a bribe-proof on the drone and choosing his best general who served so well in Iraq and who bombed so well and stole oil so well.

One amazing thing about this our monument is that, it is also animate. Sometimes it behaves like a human being. Every time I pass around, I always hear it slapping off the myriad of Douala mosquitoes from its body which bite it daily. Have you seen its right arm? It was actually killing a mosquito the moment all these shots were taken twai, twai. See...

One day, I passed through Rond Point and saw it shivering. The next day, the stature had gone missing. I was shocked. When I asked the police traffic conductor next to where it usually stood, he told me mosquitoes had bitten it so much it had developed malaria plus plus and had been admitted at Laquintini Hospital. When things got worse, they moved it to L’hopital Generale. After three weeks, the stature was back in place. When I looked hard at it, it suddenly said to me, “masah, that mosquitoes them na die, they bite like they have teeth, if I nobi go hospital eh, I for die. Na lucky self. Time way they put me for that ambulance for go L’hopital Generale, only traffic jam, embouteillage for Akwa Nord eh! We spend two days for road. Chei.”

The monument also helps the traffic police to control traffic especially during rush hour in the mornings. But one day, in an effort of pretence that it was killing a mosquito, it quickly sent its hands into a taxi stuck in traffic jam and stole a sleeping woman’s purse with lots of money. Nobody saw the theft incident since everybody was sleeping as they’d spent the whole night in the traffic jam. The stature left, went to Akwa, got a couple of ashawos, took them to Goodies restaurant in Bonapriso and bought all kinds of goodies. Then he took them to Marché Centrale and lavished money on designer shoes and clothes.  It went clubbing at Olympia night club Bonanjo with them later at night. Some police officers had gone looking for it on a wild rampage. When they caught it, the ashawos fled. They lay ambush on the stature, got it well thrashed and imprisoned it at the New Bell Prison. It was only released a month later. When I saw it back in place at Rond Point, it immediately said “Oh boy, ngata na die, I no go ever tif again.” It also told me it had met Lapiro de Ngata at New Bell (God rest his soul) and Lapiro had taught him how to sing and it was planning to release a new powerful album titled “Douala na suffer”.  That it was also hoping to become more popular than Petit Pays. But it was going to name his own music band “On a Les Visas” instead of Rabbi’s “Sans Visa”. I was very impressed.

The stature also knows how to play football, having played for one season at Astres de Douala and was top scorer the year they won the Cameroon league. The other players drove it away because of jealousy. The real reason was that it stole their girlfriends. During the 2004/2005 football season in Spain when Samuel Eto’o was fighting for the Pitchitchi title with Diego Forlan, the stature headed the ball which is currently on its head and it bounced and bounced and then bounced off a ship at the Port of Douala and went over the ocean straight into the opponents pole during the last day of play. The Spaniards were so impressed with the feat that they flew to the Douala International Airport, drove straight to Rond Point and handed the stature the Pitchitchi trophy instead, forgetting about Forlan and Eto’o. But on their way back, they were frustrated at the airport and did not board their flight because they did not have any money to pay 10.000 francs each as airport tax. They were shocked that it’s the only airport in the world where passengers pay the nonsense fee yet the airport never ever changes. Eto’o also flew back to Cameroon in rage, laughed at the Spaniards at the airport, that the system had caught and taught them a lesson, went to Rond Point Deido and seriously threatened the stature with death. So the next season, the stature restrained itself from scoring again and Eto’o succeded to grab the Pitchtchi title, this time beating David Villa on the last day of play. Wait. Why are you laughing? Do you doubt all these things I’m saying? It’s as true as the gospels. Ehn, I swear to God (touches index finger on the ground, licks and raises to the sky.) Na whetti? Okay, if you doubt me, google up.

Short Bio: Nkiacha Atemnkeng is a Cameroonian writer who doesn’t know when he was born but it is generally believed to be around 1859. He won the Nobel Prize for mental dysfunction Literature in 1939 during the Second World War. Adolf Hitler got jealous and seized the award because it had been given to a black man. Just like in the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, it seems he was born when he was already old and is growing younger instead. It is estimated that in 2099 he will be an old baby moving towards death into the womb. Hollywood legend James Cameron is currently directing a movie based on his life titled, “The Curious ill luck case of Nkiacha Atemnkeng”, which is  estimated to beat every Box Office record and even that of "Avatar". He currently lives in Douala but plans to move and permanently live on the planet Mars hanging onto the neck of his beloved Le Monument de la Liberte because he has found life on earth to be very boring especially at this very unhappy moment of his life.

27

27. Number 27. Age 27. I had anticipated it would come with so much joy like the flood gates of a dam opening up to the gush of the water current. But no, it came with exactly the opposite feeling, with impair, with so much pain and with so much doubt. It seems one of the dementors in the Harry Potter novels came to me just when I was about to turn 27 and sapped away all the happiness in my soul like a honey bee sucks away nectar from a flower leaving it ‘sweetless’ and bare and hopeless. Leaving me sad, leaving me horrible, leaving me in doubt, doubt, doubt nothing but doubtful doubt. And at this moment, all I can do is pray and hope with only traces of hopeful hope, that the ripped off page of my passport will not haunt me like a ghost and chase me away from that airplane or chase me back to Douala on board a return “deportee” airplane. All the effort, all the strife, all the communication attempts to make it possible for weeks and months seems to have crumpled today in just a matter of seconds like a pack of cards. It took only a one second rip of a page from probably the most important tiny book in the world. And as you come, bitter 27, you come in pain just like number 26 came with fair Nephatiti who is so insane. I didn’t shed tears like the rain, but I did shed tears in a tiny trickle. Even though, the “Happy Birthdays” will come trickling down today on Facebook, on my phone as messages, on my phone as phone calls, they will never know the last two have been my most, “Unhappy Worstdays” bringing to mind Biggy Smalls lyrics, “Birthdays were the worst days…” And even though I told my bro minutes ago that maybe this writing thing is not for me, here am I, writing!

All what I read in 2013

The Firm by John Grisham 500p USA

The Pelican Brief by John Grisham 500p USA

The Client by John Grisham 600p USA

Unanswered Cries by Osman Conteh 120p Sierra Leone

Eight Letters to a young writer by Teju Cole Nigeria, writing tips

The Famished Road by Ben Okri 500p Nigeria

The Icarus Girl by Helen Oyeyemi 300p Nigeria

All the five 2013 Caine prize shortlisted short stories, Nigeria generally

All the five 2012 Commonwealth Regional winning short stories, Global

Happiness, like Water by Chinelo Okparanta 196 p Nigeria

Four of Mehul Gohil’s short stories kenya

My Father’s head, short story by Okwiri Oduor Kenya

We Need New Names by NoViolet Bulawayo 296p Zimbabwe

Ten Years of the Caine Prize for African Writing 200p winning African writers

Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie 300p Nigeria

Half of a yellow sun by Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie 541p Nigeria

2011 Caine Prize Anthology, To see the Mountain and other stories 200p African writers

Bomboy by Yewande Omotoso Nigeria (I abandoned it after reading 70 pages because I didn’t like it)

So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba 96p Senegal

2010 Caine Prize Anthology, A life in full and other stories, 200p African writers

New Yorker Short story "Benji" by Chinelo Okparanta Nigeria

Ghana Must Go by Taiye Selasi 300p (I abandoned it after reading 60 pages because I understood nothing)

"African Literature does not exist" essay by Taiye Selasi, 15p Afropolitan.

Together with dozens of writer interviews by NoViolet Bulawayo, Chinelo Okparanta, Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie, Pablo Neruda, Eleanor Catton, Alice Munro, Mehul Gohil and lots of literary articles, book reviews and blog posts.

Celebrity Rejections

1) J.K Rowling’s debut novel "Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone" was submitted to twelve publishing houses, all of which rejected the manuscript.
2) In 1958, Achebe sent his novel manuscript “Things Fall Apart” to the agent recommended by Gilbert Phelps in London. It was sent to several publishing houses; some rejected it immediately, claiming that fiction from African writers had no market potential. Finally it reached the office of Heinemann, where executives hesitated until an educational adviser, Donald MacRae – just back in England after a trip through West Africa read the book and forced the company's hand with his succinct report: "This is the best novel I have read since the war"
3) “I had so many rejections” Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie in her 2009 CNN interview on “African Voices” with Lola Ogunaike.
4) Here’s part of Jhumpa Lahiri’s biography online…Lahiri's early short stories faced rejection from publishers "for years"
5) Here’s part of Michael Jordan’s biography…He tried out for the varsity basketball team during his sophomore year, but at 5'11" (1.80 m), he was deemed too short to play at that level. His taller friend, Harvest Leroy Smith, was the only sophomore to make the team.
6) Cameroon’s Samuel Eto’o played two test matches for French club Le Havre in the mid nineties but wasn’t signed and rejected, so he moved to Spain. At Real Madrid, he made just three starts the whole of his first season so he moved to Real Mallorca on loan. Who doesn’t know the rest?
7) In school, Walt Disney was told he could never write a good story.
8) In school, Notorious B.I.G’s teachers told him he would never “amount to nothing”, His club banger “Juicy” is a dedication to all those teachers.
9) 2pac’s first solo album, “2pacalypse now” was not even a classic. It had just mild success at the time of its release and didn’t generate any “Top Ten” hits. 
10) With no major label to give him a record deal, Jay-Z sold his CDs out of his car and, with Damon Dash and Kareem Biggs, created Roc-A-Fella Records as their own independent label in 1995.
11) Barack Obama contested for the US Congress in 2000 and lost. In 2001, when he told his friend he wanted to run for the US presidency someday, his friend told him it was impossible for him to win the US presidency because he was black and his name Obama was one letter short from the name of America's number one enemy...He did -twice.
12) Abraham Lincoln's failures before becoming president are well known. He lost a congress election, lost a senate election, lost a vice presidential election and won a presidential election at the age of 60

"Hein Pere" by Stanley Enow

Some months ago, I’d worked on a very late Kenya Airways mid night flight. It ended at about 4:00 AM. Scared that we were going to be attacked by the Douala bandits, a few of my colleagues and I decided to take “one man” to ‘kill’ time, such that we’ll leave when its dawn. At the bar, the DJ was booming hip hop from the Stereo. He suddenly played one song with a Cameroonian feel to the lyrics that I’d never heard before which had the whole bar singing. I asked my buddy Glissement Yobi Yobi about the song. He said the title of the song was “Hein Pere”. “Who is the guy?” I asked. “Stanley Enow. He’s new, it’s a very new song. They broadcast it on Trace. Trace Urban eh! The guy start yi career na with high level, Y! The video na die, if you watch’am eh! You no go know say dey do am na for Cameroon. They make am for Douala but yi dey like say na Etats.” It then made sense to me why I had not heard it or watched it. (At the time, my TV had a technical fault and was at the repairer so I’d not watched anything for quite some days.) But what first struck me about the song in the bar that day was its beat. It was off the hook.  After I collected my TV, I started gauging Trace Urban for it. And after some hours, there! I had it.

(Lighter cocks, next, someone inhales cigarette or is it banga?)

Stanley Enow (oh ho a) Stanley Enow. Banyangi boy ahn! Ahn!

You know what it is, Eh hein, (oh ho a) Hein Pere, (inhales cigarette or banga)

Hein Perrrre (Coughs) Lighter cocks again. ahn! Listen, check!

I dong waka nobi small, see my foot,

Up, down around town, see my boots,

My foot dem di worry need Dschang shoes,

Like Banso man I di fight fo my oun…(hold up, hold up, u know da rest aight!)

What first blew me away about the song was the video quality. Jeez, that video is the bomb. High tech images, magnificent image resolution, camera positions, witty choice of scenes and shots. The video is shot in Douala where I live but I must admit, the first time I watched it I didn’t even recognize any place! It was only after watching it a couple of times that I recognized the spots. Good job Shamak Allharamadji, it looks and sounds heavy on production. I later heard from some music friends that it cost one million francs. What I also like about the video is the concept of incorporating Cameroonian street culture into it. It’s got Mboa credibility y’all. Wild looking street boys playing Zing zing and fap fap with a ten nkolo note sticking onto the right ear of one of them. (I saw that a lot while growing up in Kumba). He’s also overtly patriotic as he shows himself draped with the Cameroon flag in some scenes. 

At another point, a well dressed Stanley Enow sits beside his zing zing hommies like he runs things, (maybe he’s the Katika). And in lil Wayne like charisma and coupled with Fabolous/Eve lip curling fashion, he delivers his lyrics and street stories in typical Cameroonian Pidgin English and French spiced with Lapiro like flavour. His voice sounds intentionally sloppy and intelligently slow over the beat like he’s drunk and high on banga. Great idea. And the lyrical climax is when he sings “work dat body gi you small Kangwa, mwa, Charlotte Dipanda, I go marry you. Lady Ponce I go marry you…" Talking about girls, in the video a dread locked hood girl walks up to Stanley holding his fat Kumba bread phone which is ringing so that he can answer his call. I love that. (No I-pad nor I-pod for Kwat). His business associate is on the phone (looks like a Libanais) calling for some bizzy. And the Bayangi Pere walks up to the glittery Chrysler 300 with a white T-shirt that has the inscription, “On est aight pere” (picture below is different)

Pere then takes a ride to a secluded snack in town to talk business in the song's second verse. “So boy, what abt the deal?” he’s asked. “Pere the street’s hustling, let’s do this” Stanley responds. The Lebanese hands him the tape (probably the music contract too) “Here’s the masterpiece, go so proud of you” And Stanley Enow walks away into hip hop stardom. Doubt me? Check up his U-tube stats, Hein Pere’s got 400.000 hits and it is the most watched Kamer hip hop video by far ever. Channel O has got it on rotation now too.

So what does “Hein pere” really mean? Well, strictly speaking it means nothing. “Hein” is an expression we use when we’ve not heard what someone has said, though in the context of this song, I think it’s a bit different. “Pere” is a French word for “Father” though in the song again, the context is different. It could mean “man” or “buddy” so “Hein Pere” may literally mean “Hein man” or “Okay man” or “Okay buddy”. See? It makes little sense. That’s why some people are insulting him and attacking him saying he sang something that means nothing “Hein Pere”. Well, insult him or praise him as you like. But if you’re one of the insulters, first ask these other guys what the hell these their song titles all mean. R.Kelly’s “Thoia thoing” what the hell does that mean? It’s not even English. What does B2k’s “Uh huh” stand for? What about Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy with it, na, na, na” What does “Jiggy” mean? it’s not even English. What about Foxy Brown’s “Woh yoh, yoh, yoh”. Stanley didn't start it y'all. When asked, Stanley Enow said it means, “Yes, sir”. Well, hate it or love it, his song title has got a lot of Cameroonian originality, he’s made his way to the bank, he’s made his way to the Unity Palace and performed in front of the Presidential couple and even got the first lady, Chantal Biya dancing and Hein Pere’ing with him, with only his first single. He has also created a social movement with it. I’ve heard so many stories about two-year-old kids singing “Hein Pere” at home.  And when I was in a taxi once, I heard two old men saying to each other “Hein Pere” “Hein Pere”. I was shocked and asked them “Vous aussi dites ca!” One of them said to me “C’est la musique qui est partout noh! On va faire comment Pere?

One commendable thing in the video is that there’s no vulgar language in it, there are no video vixens with exposed booties and boobs in it. I found that rare for a hip hop video, almost unheard of. On the criticism side of things, I felt the beat was too American, there’s not much Kamer originality in that beat. He’s also building on the foundations laid by Jovi. So for “Hein Pere” to come, “Don for Kwat” had to come. Also, Stanley’s mboa stories are quite cool but they don’t have the artistic depth that Jovi’s mboa stories have. And he still needs to impress me with an album. We’ve seen only one performance, just one hit. We’re waiting for him to impress us like Jovi did with “H.I.V”. So while it’s a fact that Stanley Enow is a bilingual intellectual, (last time I heard, he’s pursuing Maitraise) and a talented artist, probably Cameroon’s lil Wayne who shook Cameroon last year like Wizzy did with “Tha Carter 3”, I still think Jovi remains our Anglophone hip hop pioneer and Cameroon’s 2pac. But ladies n gents, ladies n homies, once again put your lighters up for Cameroon's lil Wayne, for releasing a debut single which has now become the most successful Cameroonian hip hop track, Hein Pere! Tu est high pere, on est aight Pere!